Spring Cleaning

It's amazing to me just how simple sin can be. I mean, sure Satan may give me a little push every now and then but in the end it's me taking the plunge from high above. We love the risk, enjoy the reward, and hope that there aren't repercussions. Let's face it, if we're going to give credit where credit is due, the credit belongs to you; and me, too!

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but sin is seen by all. In 1964 Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart tried to define 'obscene'. He couldn't but said, “I know what it is when I see it.” Sin isn't so. We all know what it is. Obscene is what offends us—it is ambiguous. Sin is what offends Him—it is explicit. Sin is direct defiance of a holy and righteous God.

Let's think about this: Paul writes that we are to evaluate ourselves realistically and individually.
4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load. -Galatians 6

Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm responsible for giving myself a grade I get an 'A'...and put a plus sign out beside it while you're at it. It's so much easier to see sin in in others' lives. You know why? Pride. We don't want to admit that we've swept our dirty little secret sins under the rug. Spring cleaning requires moving things around and we're perfectly comfortable letting sleeping dogs lie; on the rug of course. We don't want to give the appearance that we're not perfect or at the very least God forbid be seen as less in another human's eye. Never mind that the God of all creation has X-ray vision.

3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? -Matthew 7

Laziness is another reason we don't want to face ourselves in the mirror every morning. If we see what we really are then we'll be convicted to change. That requires real effort on our part. We might actually have to get off our Bibles and start living them out in our lives. No one wants to look at themselves naked. Well, some I guess, but those who do have a pride issue. The ironic thing is, the rest of us do, too! We're afraid of what we will see; someone who is out of shape. It reveals our failure to care about our health and lack of discipline in doing what is right. Our hearts are no different. We need to work out.

12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

-Philippians 2

For it is God who works in you to will and to act... I love that! Thank goodness it's not up to me. Sure I can't pack my Bible away or fail to pray anymore than I can go through the fast food drive through everyday expecting to be the picture of health. But there are things out of our control. We have to depend on him. So maybe it's time to bare your heart before God, sin and all, and allow Him to do a little spring cleaning in your life.

$how Me The Money

Money, money, money…so Abba sings. Must be funny/ In the rich man's world/ Money, money, money/ Always sunny/ In the rich man's world/ All the things I could do/If I had a little money/ It's a rich man's world. And it is a rich man’s world there’s no doubt. How much of our life is spent in resentment and envy of what others have? What a waste. I’m beginning to realize that by living my life in that way, I am coveting a blessing that wasn’t meant for me. And to be perfectly honest, James doesn’t believe money to be much of a blessing; at least that’s how his book of the Bible reads.

Meanwhile, on the big screen Cuba Good, Jr. wants you to ‘show me the money’ in the famous scene from Jerry McGuire. Let’s face it, more is never enough when it comes to greed. We use money to get what we want, but in the end we don’t always want what we get. Still, that doesn’t seem to stop our quest for more of it.

I like to think that I need just a little more to be content; X amount to pay my bills, buy a house, and live comfortably. But then again, that’s all relative isn’t it? I well remember an example our associate pastor once gave in a message on money. Kevin told the crowd to think about how much money it would take to make them content, not rich, but content. He said, ‘If you’re like me, you probably doubled your salary.’ Then he directed everyone to look around the room assuming that someone else probably made the salary you had just settled on, and they too doubled that amount of money.

If I’m going to be honest, I must confess that I don’t like what the disciple James has to say on the matter of money. This is what he writes: “The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position.” James 1:9 Really? You’ve got to be kidding me. Who wants to be that guy? I don’t. At least not in my flesh anyway; but he goes on to shoot down my dream of it always [being] sunny in the rich man’s world. “But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower.” James 1:10 Now, I don’t want to wilt and become mulch any more than I want to be strapped for cash. Yet, those are my only options. I’m left to weigh which one will bring me peace; although the choice is clear.

After my grandparents passed away, my dad and mom became executors of the estate. Grandma and Grandpa did not leave a will so it was up to their four kids to sit down and come up with a compromise or allow a judge to sort it all out. I have always had great respect for my dad; he’s a good man. But in the midst of all of this he said something that I hope to never forget. He told me that no matter what the family decided he could live with it because none of it belonged to him to begin with. Dad said he didn’t earn it; the money, the land, all that had been left behind was a gift. He simply said that he had lived without any of it before his parents died, and he could live without it now that they’re gone. That’s not to say that there were not things that are important to him that belonged to them. It’s simply that he wasn’t willing to get mad when money doesn’t really even matter. In the end it will one day be spent or he’ll leave it to his kids.

So, the question is this: are you taking pride in your humble circumstance? Are you grateful for what you’ve been given and learning to live content? Abba the band wants you to think the rich man has it all; the American dream, the good life that we are all supposedly striving for. But Abba [Father] God wants you to see that it is He who will provide all that you need. His Heavenly dream is different and eternal life is what we are really supposed to be seeking.

Weather or Not

I don't like storms. I never have. It's not that I'm necessarily afraid, they just make me uneasy. Perhaps on the verge of fear. Either way, I could live without them. I have friends who find them fascinating and love them. I find them depressing. Not long ago I was leaving Wal-Mart when the clerk told me to try and stay dry. As usual I hadn't given the forecast a second glance. I kind of figure it's going to do what it's going to do, and so I'll just look out the window before I go. But anyhow, as I got out of my car to walk into the house, the wind suddenly began to pick up and the gusts became great. I carried my stuff in and could hear the wind still howling outside. It wasn't a big storm, but it was enough to remind me of how strong a storm can be.

I was tired, and since I didn't want to listen to the wind and rain anyway, I took a nap. When I awoke hours later, I looked up only to find the sun streaming through my bedroom curtains. The storm was over. It didn't last forever, although it seemed like it might in Luke chapter 8.

22One day Jesus said to his disciples, "Let's go over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and set out. 23As they sailed, he fell asleep. A storm came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.
24The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. 25"Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples. In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him."

I've heard or read that section of Scripture dozens of times, but I never noticed that Jesus was not a light sleeper. Here it is the wind is rocking the boat back and forth, water is pouring onto the deck from the sea and the sky, and yet Christ is still sound asleep. I love that. Meanwhile, it's clear that the twelve men he's taken to train are freaking out, probably yelling at one another what they should do and not agreeing at all. Finally, they go and wake Jesus up...perhaps to break a tie. Why they bothered to wake him up isn't really clear to me. By the end of the passage, it's obvious that they didn't believe that He was capable of such things as commanding the winds and the waves. Maybe they blamed Him for their predicament and were frustrated that He seemed oblivious to it.

I love what Jesus asks them: “Where is your faith?” So, why were the disciples so afraid? They forgot who was with them. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, co-author of creation was on their sinking ship. But while we're talking about a literal storm, it still has application for the storms of our lives. Just look at Job...God has given Him over to Satan to freely test His faith. The only stipulation is that the fallen former angel cannot kill the man. That doesn't exactly provide a great amount of protection in my opinion. This man who God has called righteous begins to question why He is losing his wife, his family, his friends—why His possessions are being taken from Him. What has he done to deserve this? Then we come to chapter 38 of the book that bears his name:

1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? 6 On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-
7 while the morning stars sang together and all the angels [a] shouted for joy?
8 "Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?

12 "Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place,
13 that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment.
15 The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.
16 "Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death ?
18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.

I find it interesting that God chose to answer Job out of a storm. God makes it clear that He will be the One asking questions. He points out although Job has great wisdom and understanding, He still has no clue as to the greatness of God. But my favorite is that after God goes through all of this, in verse 18 He asks a rhetorical question...'Tell me if you know all this?' He knows that Job has no answer.

It is the nature the law that we are punished for what we do wrong. It is what man has come to expect. There must be a reason; and yet the explanation given in Job is basically a surefire bet between God and his former right hand man. Satan asks God what reason Job has to not be faithful to him, saying that a hedge of protection is around him. Job has no reason to doubt or disbelieve. So, knowing the outcome God agrees to allow Satan to try his hand at getting Job to curse God to His face.

Another thing I find it interesting that with all his years of learning, it is a young man who comes and challenges Job's way of thinking just a few chapters before.

1 Then Elihu said:
2 "Do you think this is just? You say, 'I will be cleared by God.'
3 Yet you ask him, 'What profit is it to me, and what do I gain by not sinning?'

Isn't that just like us? We want to claim God's name when we believe it will benefit us and He will follow through with our requests and demands, and yet if it seems as though He's unaware or not there we begin to question why we do this whole Christianity thing. We ask, “What it's worth to us?” When we should be anwering with this: “He is worthy.” His worth does not depend on us, but our worth does depend on Him. Elihu points out that God does not get anything from us. It is us who receive from Him. Man's righteousness or evil does not change who God is.

6 If you sin, how does that affect him? If your sins are many, what does that do to him?
7 If you are righteous, what do you give to him, or what does he receive from your hand?
8 Your wickedness affects only a man like yourself, and your righteousness only the sons of men.

Job felt as though the storm would never end; but when it did, he prayed this to the Lord:

3 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know... 5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Like the disciples we often believe that God is unaware or just doesn't care about what is happening. The storm is raging all around us, and it's as though He's sound asleep. We plead with Him to wake up and yet for us, He doesn't calm the wind and the waves. We take that to mean that He hasn't heard us. Yet Exodus is all the evidence we need for He told Moses that He had seen the misery of His people and heard their cries for deliverance. Keep in mind they'd been slaves for 400 years! God doesn't always act immediately. We may not understand why at the time. But I've found in my own life that He will often allow me a glimpse into His glory. I sometimes see why He allowed something to be. It's in those times that I realize my understanding is elementary.

Fear is one of our greatest enemies; for our submission to it is an indication that we do not believe in the greatness of our God. So, how will you react in the midst of the storm? Like the disciples? They were afraid for their lives, uncertain of the outcome, and had completely abandoned their faith. Psalm 23 is one of the most famous passages in all of the Bible. David wrote that even in the Valley of the Shadow of Death he would fear no evil. Why? Because he knew that God was with him. He remembered and recognized who God was and who He still is today and will be throughout all eternity. That is what the disciples had forgotten.

Not long ago I was thinking back on a scene that I haven't forgotten from about two years ago when our fledgling satellite campus was just starting out in a school in Van Buren. Our now worship pastor's daughter was standing on stage, and he stretched out his arms and called to her to jump. Without hesitation she plunged from the stage into the safety of his arms. I remember thinking what a great dad he was and the bond he and she must have. But then I stopped and thought...Why did she jump? Why was she so certain that he would catch her? The simple answer is because she had faith in her father.

Do you have faith? Do you believe that God will catch you? That this storm that you're in right now will not last forever. We cannot change the forecast of the weather anymore than we can affect the forecast of the storms in our lives. But what we can do is choose how we will react in the midst of them. I well remember something that Louie Giglio, a well-known speaker, author, and founder of the college Passion movement said about Job. Louie said that what he learned was this...to simply say: 'This is a test. Am I passing it?' This is a test. Am I passing it?
Somehow that changes my entire perspective of the situation. It becomes less about me and more about God's glory. The whole point of Job's test was that Satan tried to prove that this righteous man would spit in God's face. And although he struggled and questioned, Job never did deny God. The storm didn't make sense to him at the time. But later it did. Several times the psalmist refers to God as his strength, his stronghold, his refuge in times of trouble.

You will not be able to calm the wind and the waves; but know that you serve a God who can. Do not forget that He is never far from you. He sees what is happening and is well aware of your circumstance. Be faithful, stand strong; pass the test. The storm will end—the question is, will you be found faithful? James says the testing of our faith develops perserverence. He says that those who doubt are like a wave of the sea blown and tossed by the wind. Basically, a storm is a disturbance of the normal condition of the atmosphere manifesting itself by winds of unusual force or direction. In the end, I think we all want to come out of the storm perhaps battered and bruised but better and stronger in our faith.

The disciples blamed Jesus for their predicament and were incredulous at the fact that He was slow to act. Job questioned why he even had faith if he wasn't going to benefit from it. Where was God in their storms? But David, the man after God's own heart, said that he would not be afraid, because 'You are with me. Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.' We not only can rest assured that God is with us, but that He will comfort us during these times of trouble.
I won't deny that storms can do serious damage; and we may not be doubly blessed as Job was in the end. But I always believe that there is purpose in our pain, because I've seen what God has done in my own life. So I encourage you to weather the storm.

One of my favorite bands, Casting Crowns sings that 'I will praise You in this storm'. They recognize that their help comes from the Lord. Do not forget what He has done. Do not forget that you are not here for your comfort or your glory. You are here to tell His story. And to do that, sometimes we have to weather the storm. How we do that will serve as a witness to the world that there is a God.

All Things New

The two most important events in Christ's life were clearly His birth and His death; the cradle and the cross. His coming had been foretold. The people were promised a Savior, and they were waiting for the sign that He had arrived. Micah, Jeremiah and Isaiah all prophesied. And then He came in Luke 2...today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you. Those were the words of the angel to the shepherds. And what was the sign? That they would find him wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. A new baby...a new king...a new regime on the earth that He had created.

At age 33 He fulfilled God's promise. It's still amazing to me how from death comes new life. In Romans 7 Paul writes that we were dying under the law, but Christ released us so that we can serve in the new way of the Spirit. And in 2 Corinthians 5:17 Paul writes this...Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! There's that word again...new. He makes all things NEW! He redeems, He restores, and He transforms. All versions of becoming new.

I love dictionaring-dot-coming things...I know that's not a real phrase and not grammatically correct to use as a verb, but I'm going to anyway. When I think of the word new, I can't help but associate it with a creator. After all, how can anything come into being without a creator? Our God is the original Creator. Great artists merely mimic what He has already made. And so here is the definition that I found: to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes. To cause to come into being...isn't that what God did with you and me? 2nd Corinthians tells us that we are new creations because of Him. But lets think about the second part of the definition...something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes. We would never come to Christ on our own. It's not natural in our flesh. And it definitely didn't happen by an ordinary process. It took a supernatural act of God.

The New Year is already here, and I haven't really though much about 2009. I'm pretty sure it will take me a few weeks, even a few months to finally get a grasp that we've started a new 12 month time period. But, I'll still greet the New Year just like the other 6 billion or so people around the globe.

The original New Year's festivities are attributed to the ancient land of Babylon. They would wait for the first new moon and their celebration lasted 11 days. Then, there are the Jews who celebrate, Rosh Hashanna or the Jewish New Year. Their holiday actually takes place several months before ours does. They celebrated back in September. Translated, Rosh Hashanna means 'head of the year'. Basically the Jews celebrate the creation of the world.

Of course in America, all eyes are on Times Square. We're either in Times Square or watching Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve (now with Ryan Seacrest) on TV as if we were there. This was the 37th year for the show. New Years here in America and around the world means parties and confetti and all kinds of debauchery. It's no wonder that historically Catholics opposed New Years celebrations because of what they called “pagan extravagancies.” An estimated one million people were in Times Square and another billion around the globe were expected to watch the broadcast.

What would New Year's be without our traditions? Do you eat black-eyed peas? They're supposed to bring you good look, but all they seem to leave me with is a brief lingering taste in my mouth: black-eyed peas. My grandma believed in them, so we of course had them every year, and she made sure they were on my plate. I ate them once every 12 months. I have nothing against them. I'm just not a big fan.

But the biggest tradition of all has to be our New Year's resolutions. We've all made them. Most off us have broken them. Take a look at this list of people's top ten priorities for 2008, last year:

1. Get out of debt or save money
2. Lose weight
3. Develop a healthy habit (e.g., exercise or healthy eating)
4. Get organized
5. Develop a new skill or talent
6. Spend more time with family and friends
7. Other
8. Work less, play more
9. Break an unhealthy habit (e.g., smoking, alcohol, overeating)
10. Change employment

A survey found that 35 percent of people had already broken their New Year's resolution by the end of January. That means within 31 days, 35 out of every hundred people had already given up. Only 23 percent of people said that they don't ever break their resolutions. Again, 23 out of 100 people say they are strong enough to stay the course. Don't ask me what happens to the other 42 percent of people...I guess they break their commitment somewhere along the way.

To me there seems to be something missing on this list. Everything on the list has to do with our lives in the world—the physical. Change employment...great, maybe you'll be happier or make more money. Break an unhealthy habit...wonderful. We all need to rid ourselves of things that aren't good for us. Work less, play more. That's why God created the Sabbath as a day of rest. We need it. Spend more time with family and friends. Relationships are important. God Himself said it wasn't good for man to be alone. That's why He created Eve. Develop a new skill or talent. Being good at something not only makes you feel good about yourself, it can also come in handy. Get organized. You're more likely to be productive and less stressed depending on your methods. Develop a healthy habit. If we're getting rid of the bad, doesn't it make sense to replace it with good? Lose weight. Not only will we fell better physically, but we're more likely to live longer. And finally get out of debt or save money. Pay back what you owe. Set aside some for when you are in need. But what about the spiritual aspect of these things?

Don't miss me here. I'm not saying that these resolutions are bad in any way. I'm simply asking if we're looking at them with the right eyes. My favorite resolution in all the Bible is found in 1 Corinthians 2...

1When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God.[a] 2For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. 4My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, 5so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

And there it is...'For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified'. Again, back to dictionary.com. A resolution is a strong will. It is dedication, earnestness, it takes guts, heart, is relentless and requires perseverence. Paul was single-minded during his time with the church. He was soley focused on Christ and Him crucified. Why? Because that one line changes everything. Everything!

What happens if I resolve to know nothing but Jesus Christ and Him crucified? I will begin to reflect Him where I work. I will become content with where I am until He sees fit to send me somewhere else. What happens if I resolve to know Christ and Him crucified? I stop trying to break an unhealthy habit in my own strength, and I begin to rely on him. I begin to think about how what I'm doing affects my witness. What happens if I resolve to know just Jesus and think about His death? Rest and relaxation will become important because I recognize that Christ Himself took time to renew and went away to pray. What happens if I resolve to focus on the Savior and His sacrifice? I will work to better the gifts and talents that I've been given to tell His story and bring Him glory. What happens if I resolve to keep my eyes on the Prince of Peace and remember the price He paid? I will try to be more organized because we serve a God of order and not chaos. What happens if I resolve to identify with the Lamb of God and what He did? Then, working on my weight will be less about how I look and more about the fact that my body is His temple. And finally, what happens if I resolve to focus on the Father's son and His surrender to the cross? I will get out of debt and save money not so that I won't be a slave to my creditors or to have extra cash on hand but because I'm called to be a good steward of all that God has given me.

You are a new creation. What do you resolve to do? He is making all things new again. That's the beauty of who He is. What's been broken He restores. What's been sold for less has been bought back for more. What's not like Him Christ transforms. You don't have to wait until January 1st. We make such a big deal out of that one day. But the Bible says this in Lamentations: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. His compassions are new every morning. He never fails, but we do. Why beat ourselves up when we don't have to? He'll forgive us and we can start anew.

Keep in mind that 35 percent of people break their New Year's resolutions in a month. We as Christians can't go a day without sinning in some way. We need Him to make us new. Yet it takes resolve on our part. We must be dedicated to the cause, earnest in our quest, have guts to the point of death, take heart in who He is, be relentless in our pursuit, and persevere in the face of fear. I like what Paul writes in 1 Timothy 4:7-8.

7 Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. 8 For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

Okay, so I just threw the first verse in there because I though it was kind of funny since the reference about the whole black-eyed peas thing and old wives' tales. It's actually verse 8 that means the most to me. Paul writes that taking care of ourselves physically is a good thing, but being godly is of value today and throughout eternity. Again, resolving to know nothing but Christ and Him crucified. We become more godly.

So, what does this mean to you? What will you do with this truth? Behold: He is making all things new.

Read Revelation 21:1-5

The Reason I Still Believe - Part 4

In the days before my Papa died, I had a problem—a big problem, or so it seemed at the time. The university was only giving me six tickets to my college graduation. Of course, I wanted the people most important to me to be there. That meant my mom, dad, sister, Grandma and Grandpa, my Nana…and Papa. Seven people…I needed seven tickets, but I was only going to be given six. How could I choose? How would this be okay? Not only was someone going to be hurt, I would also miss having one of the people I loved most in the world share one of my greatest accomplishments as I walked across the stage. I couldn’t choose; I wouldn’t choose. I wouldn’t have to. My mom just kept telling me to pray, saying that God would provide. Of course, at the time we both hoped that meant I would be able to get another seat. Yet again, little did we know what God had in mind.

I remember walking down the same hallway my mom did the day John died. Our entire family was there at Nana and Papa’s house. My mom met me at the front of the hall, and again with tears in her eyes said, “You know Jared, God knew that we only needed six tickets.” We both just stood there and cried. As strange as those words sounded, we knew that God wasn’t surprised. What we were just learning, He already knew. We knew that he was holding us in His hands, and this wasn’t something that was ‘just happening.’ God was in control of our lives.
The blow-off class that I had ‘just taken for credit’ had made me ready for a season in my life where the storms would blow. I was able to look back and see how God had prepared me. How awesome is a Father’s love.

Many days would follow when I would doubt not only the goodness of God, but also His very existence. One such time is still very fresh in my mind. How many times did the Israelites see the power and might of their Creator, only to turn and create gods of their own a short time later? Remember what preceded forty years of wandering in the desert? Four hundred years of slavery. Moses had led the children of God out of Egypt in a dramatic exit. They had seen God send plagues to torment their captors; they had seen Him part the sea and then send the waters back to destroy an entire army. Yet, reality would soon be that their memories would fade and Moses would come down from the mountain to find them worshipping a golden calf. Talk about short-term memory.

I find my greatest weapon against unbelief is to remember the times when God was most real to me. I can’t help but believe that God was never more real to Jonah than when he was in the belly of the whale in the sea—or to Samson when he could no longer see. You see, his eyes had been gouged out and he was forced to grind grain after betraying the one secret God had commanded him to keep. Both men came again to believe in God’s mercy and asked to receive. Jonah was spit out onto dry land after reconciling. Samson’s strength was restored, and he brought down the house on the Philistines. I endured loss, but God has restored me. I am still waiting to see what God will do next.

The Reason I Still Believe - Part 3

More than two years later I remember getting into my Explorer to drive to class at the university that I was attending. For some reason that day I felt compelled to pray something I hadn’t been ready to say: ‘God, I can finally freely forgive you for taking John.’ At long last I was through with the condition that said my commitment was dependent on whether those I loved lived or died. Not that I was saying I was ready to endure additional loss, but this time I wasn’t putting my love for God up as collateral. Little did I know He was preparing my heart for what was to come.

It would be months, years before I would see God’s plan for me in it all. Why did He take my best friend from me? What I would one day come to understand is that God used John’s death to strengthen me. I needed to stand on my own. If ever there was a new door to be walked through, John would walk through first—every time. Without him, I had to learn to walk through on my own, alone. I had to become bold--or at least bolder than I was before. I know that revelation alone is not why John died; God had a much greater purpose. For me it was comforting to know that God had a plan for me and was using my greatest loss to change me.

My senior year of college came, and I had elective hours to take. I just needed to find something to sit through; it didn’t even have to pertain to my degree. My good friend Jen and I settled on a class we had heard wasn’t all that hard--big surprise, two college kids looking to get off easy. The class was called Psychology of Grief. We had it a couple of evenings a week I think. Basically the entire class was about the mourning process. The teacher lectured, we talked about our own personal experiences, wrote about them, and watched a couple of films. Sometimes it was even morbidly fun, like when we had to write as many terms or phrases for death that we could think of. Hmm, lets see…like ‘pushing up daises’ or ‘bought the farm’ or ‘six feet under’ or ‘kicked the bucket’—all quite tongue-in-cheek.

A weekend came where I had planned to go home, but I thought about not. After all, it was a three-hour drive home, and I would just have to turn around and make the trek back again less than 48 hours later. Still, for whatever reason I conceded. That Sunday we had just arrived at church and were walking into the sanctuary. Our usually wise-cracking, loveable pastor Brother Bob came to meet us with such solemnity. He asked us to follow him outside. It was there, on the sidewalk in front of the church where I grew up that I learned my Papa had died. Brother Bob said he had gone fishing alone and a passerby had found him lying beside his boat on the ramp. A family member had called the church to find mom and asked our pastor to tell us. I remember my mom being in complete disbelief, telling our pastor that he was joking--it wasn’t true. But we all knew it was—there was no way it couldn’t be.

I knew that I would be the one to take the keys for the ten-minute drive home. It was so close and yet seemed like a long journey. My mother and sister were in no shape to sit behind the wheel, and probably neither was I. As we drove, I remember thinking that we needed to pray. I desperately desired to cry out to God for understanding and for peace. So we prayed, asking for His great mercy. At least I think we did, maybe it was just me. All I remember is hearing God more clearly than at any other time in my life. It was as though he was standing in front me. I heard Him say, ‘Everything about this day will change who you are, but nothing about this day will change who I Am’; words of truth I will carry with me to eternity.

We stopped to pick up my dad at our house and left immediately for Nana and Papa’s house across town. We would spend that day and several of the next there with family. It was my senior year of college, my cousin’s of high school—major milestones that our Papa wouldn’t be there for. It wasn’t that he would miss my graduation in a few months or my cousin’s wedding the next year. It was that he would miss every one for the rest of our lives.

The Reason I Still Believe - Part 2

The day we buried him was darkened by an overcast sky. The cold, December air was broken only by a slow steady drizzle that quickly became a downpour. The scene was more than fitting for what we were about to do.

Dressed in our Sunday best, my family and I shut the doors of the Jeep to begin the five-minute drive to the school’s auditorium for the funeral. Within minutes we had pulled into the parking lot across the street. What happened after that still remains a blur all these years later.

As I walked to the street’s edge to cross, I paused. There was a rushing stream of rainwater that ran along the roadway’s edge. Strange that on a life-changing day like that I would remember something so insignificant. I stepped across the water’s line and kept walking. My family and I crossed the street to the high school’s auditorium. Inside, John’s family and friends found their way to empty seats. I started to follow my family in, but I was asked to stay behind and sit with my classmates. Through the open doors I could see down the aisle to the front. What I saw made me sick, and I turned away.

As my classmates and I made our way to the seats reserved for us, I did my best to avoid looking at the scene at the front of the auditorium. Somehow in the confusion I was separated from my close friends. I simply followed my fellow students and sat in an empty chair by the far aisle. The girl in the next seat turned and began talking to me. I suppose that she believed she was making this easier for me. Nothing she said in that moment made any sense to me, but I tried to answer out of politeness. Suddenly, something she said brought me back to reality.

“So, what do you want for Christmas?” she asked.

I stared at her with a blank look on my face.

“I…I don’t know,” I managed to stammer.

I couldn’t believe what she was asking. My best friend was dead in a box a few feet away, and she was asking me what I wanted for Christmas.

The room boasted a solemn reverence that hung stiffly in the heavy darkness. I slowly drew a tissue to my eyes to slow the steady stream of water that ran along the sides of my face. I clenched my fists in an attempt to steady my composure. Whether anyone knew or even noticed, I would face that day with both dignity and grace. Of all his friends, it was me who had to stand strong. As I turned to face the crowd, I memorized the faces of those who had come that day to honor my friend.

Softly, music accompanied by a voice began to play through the air. The words…those words…they were the words of his favorite song. Those words were the anthem of our friendship. Those words were his heart. The voice sang, And, friends are friends forever / If the Lord’s the Lord of them / And, a friend will not say ‘never’ / ‘cause the welcome will not end / Though it’s hard to let you go / In the Father’s hands we know / That a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.
When the song had ended, John’s pastor and youth minister stood to speak. I heard few of the words they spoke, and those that I did hear I took little comfort in. I found it nearly impossible to focus, simply casting short glances to the scene at the front of the room.

When the service was over, six men and boys wheeled the box that held my best friend into the foyer. The family stood and followed behind. I cannot remember if the entire room stood next, or if my class rose to leave. I just remember standing in the foyer; feet from where he lay. The tear-stained faces of the people were matched by muffled-sobbing. Somehow I made my way outside. I remember standing there thinking, “It’s raining. It’s raining…it’s raining.” Close friends came up to hug me. I wanted to shy away, but I didn’t. All I could do was simply stand and take it.